The Whole Story

April 1st...a day I'll never forget. It was one year ago today that I found out from my doctor that I was pregnant. I had taken a pregnancy test the day before, but was pretty certain that it wasn't really correct or that the pregnancy wasn't really viable. Of course it had to be April Fool's day. My doctor even made a few jokes about it and did assure me that this wasn't some kind of April Fools' Day joke. I wish that I had some happy picture to mark the occasion. I wish I could even say that I felt excited and thrilled, but really, all I felt was terrified. The only moment when I let go of my fear and anxiety was during the ultrasound they performed. I layed on the exam table and sobbed...deep heavy sobs...the kind that shake your entire body. I just COULD NOT believe that I was actually seeing a tiny heart beat and a tiny little body at it's very beginning stages of formation. I had been to countless ultrasounds where the doctor was counting the number of follicles or cysts on my ovaries, and have seen my uterus very empty on numberless occasions. And here I was, eight years later, staring at what I had desired most at that time. I couldn't commit to the idea that I was finally going to have the experience that I had longed for for SO many years. I couldn't let myself get that vulnerable, so I did the only thing my heart would let me do. I ignored it and hid from it all. And yet, among all the feelings of fear and doubt, I couldn't deny the fact that I knew that this was the Lord's doing- that he had his hand in this and had orchestrated it from the very beginning. There was an underlying feeling of peace that this was meant to be. This little miracle brought clarity and healing at a time when I needed it most.

At that time in my life, I had come to understand my infertility. I felt at peace with it. I had an understanding of it's purpose in my life. I had mourned that loss and was moving on. We had already welcomed one child into our lives through adoption and had discovered what a sacred and sweet blessing that was, and we were looking forward to that experience once again. We had finished our adoption profile and were in the "waiting stages." When we completed our paperwork in September, I told John that I felt like something would happen in the spring.

Sure enough, several months later in mid February (and a little earlier than I expected) we got a call from our caseworker. As an adoptive family waiting for a baby, your heart seriously drops every time you see LDS Family Services appear on the caller ID, even if they are only calling to verify something in your paperwork. This was no exception. My hands quivered and my heart raced. Our caseworker informed us that there was a birth mother in another state who had narrowed her search for a family down to us and one other possible couple. She wanted to talk to us and would that be okay. She told us a little about the birth mom (we'll call her Kathy) and her situation and then told us we'd talk again in a few days to see how things went. John was headed out of town in a few days and was going to be gone for a while, so we felt like we needed to talk to with Kathy right away.

That night she called. We had a very positive conversation for over an hour and she asked us if we could come visit her. She was already having pre-term labor and we all knew this baby was coming soon. We were very excited and a little nervous as we had a few concerns arise during our conversation, but tried to keep our emotions in check. Anything can happen with adoptions.

The next day our caseworker called to ask how things went and to give us a little more information about this particular adoption situation. There was a long list of concerns, but we tried not to let that dampen our spirits. We knew that if this baby was ours, we could move mountains to make it work. So from there, we searched our hearts for the answer to that "if this baby was our" part of the equation. Over the next two weeks, we continued to have contact with Kathy and at the same time tried to do our part of deciphering if this was the right thing for us. After consulting with numerous professionals about everything from legal concerns to medical concerns, we were no where closer to having an answer.

At this point, nothing felt right and we could not figure out why. We prayed. We prayed like we've never prayed before for guidance to do what is right for our family, for this baby, and for the sweet birth mother. No direct answers came. We couldn't figure out why we were feeling such confusion and we REALLY couldn't figure out why this situation was put in our path of life if this baby wasn't ours. We wanted the Lord to tell us what to do. Life stood still for those few weeks. I've never felt more confused and distraught in my life. This baby was coming and she was coming soon (yes, it was a girl) and we still didn't have our answer. I suppose Kathy still didn't have her answer yet either. She had narrowed her choice to us, but still wasn't certain about placing the baby at all.

Days passed, and we continued to have conversations with Kathy. Each time I'd get off the phone, I'd feel really good and positive about the whole thing. We agreed to come visit in hopes that we all might find peace and resolution. Each time I went to purchase the plane tickets, I JUST COULDN'T do it. Something just didn't feel right. When I told my dad this he said to me, "Well, Carrie, maybe that's your answer." All I could think was, "WHAT are you talking about? How can this not be right? How can the one thing I want most in the world not be right? We wondered if our feelings of anxiety and concerns for the whole situation were holding us back or if it was the Lord trying to direct our path. We talked with our caseworker as well as the caseworker assigned to Kathy several times and in the end, told them that we were not sure if we were the parents of this baby who was very quickly going to make her arrival. We wanted more time to think and pray, but felt that wouldn't be fair to Kathy. We felt that she needed a couple who could commit whole-heartedly, 100% that day. So she did. She moved on and selected another family. We were devastated and confused. Why wasn't this baby ours?

In the end, I told our caseworker that I could have fought long and hard for that baby (and that was what it was going to take, given all the details surrounding this adoption) as long as I knew she was mine, but I never got that confirmation from the Lord. I knew that if we decided to move forward with the adoption, the Lord would bless us and help us. I never doubted that. But I never did feel like that was what we were supposed to do.

This whole ordeal was painful. The one thing that I wanted most at that time slipped right out of my finger tips and I didn't understand why. I was heart-broken. I questioned myself and my actions, second-guessing everything. John and I learned a lot from this experience, and we tried to heal and move on. Isn't that what trials are all about? In fact, I think I learned more about how God works from this experience than I ever have from any other experience.

Well, I'm happy to say that in the end, this story does have a happy ending. Exactly two months after this ordeal, I found out I was exactly two months pregnant (and people say you can't get pregnant while your under lots of stress- HA!). This little miracle brought insight and healing when my heart was so needed it. I then understood with perfect clarity on that crazy April Fool's Day that there was purpose and meaning behind that whole experience. It was quite clear that the Lord had his hand in this. He really was mindful of us. He really did allow those small promptings to direct our little family. And if there is anything I've learned in my life, the Lord really does have a plan for each of us. Funny how the Lord works.