The Whole Story

April 1st...a day I'll never forget. It was one year ago today that I found out from my doctor that I was pregnant. I had taken a pregnancy test the day before, but was pretty certain that it wasn't really correct or that the pregnancy wasn't really viable. Of course it had to be April Fool's day. My doctor even made a few jokes about it and did assure me that this wasn't some kind of April Fools' Day joke. I wish that I had some happy picture to mark the occasion. I wish I could even say that I felt excited and thrilled, but really, all I felt was terrified. The only moment when I let go of my fear and anxiety was during the ultrasound they performed. I layed on the exam table and sobbed...deep heavy sobs...the kind that shake your entire body. I just COULD NOT believe that I was actually seeing a tiny heart beat and a tiny little body at it's very beginning stages of formation. I had been to countless ultrasounds where the doctor was counting the number of follicles or cysts on my ovaries, and have seen my uterus very empty on numberless occasions. And here I was, eight years later, staring at what I had desired most at that time. I couldn't commit to the idea that I was finally going to have the experience that I had longed for for SO many years. I couldn't let myself get that vulnerable, so I did the only thing my heart would let me do. I ignored it and hid from it all. And yet, among all the feelings of fear and doubt, I couldn't deny the fact that I knew that this was the Lord's doing- that he had his hand in this and had orchestrated it from the very beginning. There was an underlying feeling of peace that this was meant to be. This little miracle brought clarity and healing at a time when I needed it most.

At that time in my life, I had come to understand my infertility. I felt at peace with it. I had an understanding of it's purpose in my life. I had mourned that loss and was moving on. We had already welcomed one child into our lives through adoption and had discovered what a sacred and sweet blessing that was, and we were looking forward to that experience once again. We had finished our adoption profile and were in the "waiting stages." When we completed our paperwork in September, I told John that I felt like something would happen in the spring.

Sure enough, several months later in mid February (and a little earlier than I expected) we got a call from our caseworker. As an adoptive family waiting for a baby, your heart seriously drops every time you see LDS Family Services appear on the caller ID, even if they are only calling to verify something in your paperwork. This was no exception. My hands quivered and my heart raced. Our caseworker informed us that there was a birth mother in another state who had narrowed her search for a family down to us and one other possible couple. She wanted to talk to us and would that be okay. She told us a little about the birth mom (we'll call her Kathy) and her situation and then told us we'd talk again in a few days to see how things went. John was headed out of town in a few days and was going to be gone for a while, so we felt like we needed to talk to with Kathy right away.

That night she called. We had a very positive conversation for over an hour and she asked us if we could come visit her. She was already having pre-term labor and we all knew this baby was coming soon. We were very excited and a little nervous as we had a few concerns arise during our conversation, but tried to keep our emotions in check. Anything can happen with adoptions.

The next day our caseworker called to ask how things went and to give us a little more information about this particular adoption situation. There was a long list of concerns, but we tried not to let that dampen our spirits. We knew that if this baby was ours, we could move mountains to make it work. So from there, we searched our hearts for the answer to that "if this baby was our" part of the equation. Over the next two weeks, we continued to have contact with Kathy and at the same time tried to do our part of deciphering if this was the right thing for us. After consulting with numerous professionals about everything from legal concerns to medical concerns, we were no where closer to having an answer.

At this point, nothing felt right and we could not figure out why. We prayed. We prayed like we've never prayed before for guidance to do what is right for our family, for this baby, and for the sweet birth mother. No direct answers came. We couldn't figure out why we were feeling such confusion and we REALLY couldn't figure out why this situation was put in our path of life if this baby wasn't ours. We wanted the Lord to tell us what to do. Life stood still for those few weeks. I've never felt more confused and distraught in my life. This baby was coming and she was coming soon (yes, it was a girl) and we still didn't have our answer. I suppose Kathy still didn't have her answer yet either. She had narrowed her choice to us, but still wasn't certain about placing the baby at all.

Days passed, and we continued to have conversations with Kathy. Each time I'd get off the phone, I'd feel really good and positive about the whole thing. We agreed to come visit in hopes that we all might find peace and resolution. Each time I went to purchase the plane tickets, I JUST COULDN'T do it. Something just didn't feel right. When I told my dad this he said to me, "Well, Carrie, maybe that's your answer." All I could think was, "WHAT are you talking about? How can this not be right? How can the one thing I want most in the world not be right? We wondered if our feelings of anxiety and concerns for the whole situation were holding us back or if it was the Lord trying to direct our path. We talked with our caseworker as well as the caseworker assigned to Kathy several times and in the end, told them that we were not sure if we were the parents of this baby who was very quickly going to make her arrival. We wanted more time to think and pray, but felt that wouldn't be fair to Kathy. We felt that she needed a couple who could commit whole-heartedly, 100% that day. So she did. She moved on and selected another family. We were devastated and confused. Why wasn't this baby ours?

In the end, I told our caseworker that I could have fought long and hard for that baby (and that was what it was going to take, given all the details surrounding this adoption) as long as I knew she was mine, but I never got that confirmation from the Lord. I knew that if we decided to move forward with the adoption, the Lord would bless us and help us. I never doubted that. But I never did feel like that was what we were supposed to do.

This whole ordeal was painful. The one thing that I wanted most at that time slipped right out of my finger tips and I didn't understand why. I was heart-broken. I questioned myself and my actions, second-guessing everything. John and I learned a lot from this experience, and we tried to heal and move on. Isn't that what trials are all about? In fact, I think I learned more about how God works from this experience than I ever have from any other experience.

Well, I'm happy to say that in the end, this story does have a happy ending. Exactly two months after this ordeal, I found out I was exactly two months pregnant (and people say you can't get pregnant while your under lots of stress- HA!). This little miracle brought insight and healing when my heart was so needed it. I then understood with perfect clarity on that crazy April Fool's Day that there was purpose and meaning behind that whole experience. It was quite clear that the Lord had his hand in this. He really was mindful of us. He really did allow those small promptings to direct our little family. And if there is anything I've learned in my life, the Lord really does have a plan for each of us. Funny how the Lord works.

Giving Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving Day everyone!

I'll save a post about turkeys, traditions, and eating too much for a later day. As for today, I wanted to focus on something a little different.

You'll be interested to know that November is National Adoption Awareness month. I find it interesting that this falls in the same month as Thanksgiving. Adoption is one of the things I am MOST grateful for. I have such tender feelings as I think about how adoption has blessed my life. Many years ago I wondered if I would ever be a mother. I wondered if I would ever hold a baby in my arms and call him mine. My heart ached for this one desire. Adoption is miraculous. Truly. There have only been a few moments in my life that have been as precious and sacred as the day when a selfless woman chose to place her baby in my arms and in my life forever. Words will never be enough to describe the kind of gratitude I have for her. That kind of sacrifice and love is sacred. Tyler is blessed to have been first given to such a strong and loving mother who knew that he needed more- she knew he needed a mother AND a father. She knew he needed the blessings of the temple. I'm sure she could have raised him and done a beautiful job, and in some ways that would have been easier, but instead she chose the harder route. The route that would provide him with more blessings and more opportunities- all at the expense of her own happiness. We love her. We love adoption. It is miraculous.

My two boys are my life's greatest gifts. Both of their arrivals have taught me much about love, sacrifice, and of God's love for each of us. They are precious, and my heart sings with gratitude when I think of how blessed I am to be their mother. Many thanks on a happy day.

(on a side note, LDS family services has re-done their website. It's still in the finishing stages, but it's amazing- with contributions from yours truly. I'll keep you posted when the final product is finally launched).

Birthday #30 and Baby #2

Thursday night two of my dear friends, Jen and Kristina, threw me a surprise birthday bash/ baby shower. It was fabulous! Jen had to inform John of the surprise and earlier in the week John feared he had spilled the beans. Lucky for him, I am a little slow to piece things together. I thought I had figured out that Jen and Kris had invited a few extra friends out to ice cream instead of just the three of us going out to celebrate like they had told me. Little did I know that when we arrived at Jen's house to pick her up for our "ice cream outing," several of my sweet friends had gathered to surprise me. And surprised I was!!! It wasn't at all what I was expecting and what a fun change of plans. Although I was thrilled that we were still having ice cream because you just can't change food plans on a pregnant lady like that, especially when it comes to ice cream.

It was so fun to celebrate this little miracle with so many of my dear friends. I was touched by their outpouring of love and support, even though this is my second boy. I loved sorting through and looking at all of the adorable, soft blue baby things. It's like therapy for a very uncomfortable pregnant mommy. It's a sweet reminder that good things are soon to come!!!

I also enjoyed the "baby shower experience" with a different paradigm this time. For so many years, baby showers have been the source of some intense emotions. There were years when we were in the midst of our infertility struggles and it was all I could do to send a gift and my regrets that I wouldn't be able to attend. My feelings were just to raw to participate in such an event. It wasn't that I wasn't happy for the person, it's just that my happiness for that person was entangled too deeply with jealousy, hurt, confusion, desire, and sadness. The years passed and it became a little easier to learn to separate the emotions and set aside my despair and focus on the good.

Then along came Tyler. Of course this made attending the dreaded baby shower much, much easier. At least I had something in common with all the other mommies and I had the desire of my heart. It didn't hurt so badly to see all of those tiny, soft baby clothes and wonder how long I would have to wait in order to have such things for my baby. However, there was still one part of the baby shower that never got easier- the pregnancy and labor and delivery chitter chatter. I get it now. It's part of what we are there to celebrate. It's common to most every one there, and it is such an immensely interesting experience- you can't help but talk about it.

But there was a time when I likened this type of small talk to a trip to Egypt. I felt that every time I attended a baby shower, all of the other attendees had at one time or another been on a trip to Egypt. They talked about every aspect of their individual trips in detail. They compared experiences, events and feelings. And yet I had never been to Egypt, and as far as I knew, I wasn't going. I had come to terms with not going to Egypt because I had been someplace else for my trip, but I still felt the social awkwardness of not having had the same experience. Sure, I was still sad and a little jealous, but I was okay emotionally. I just hadn't figured out how to conquer the social awkwardness that I felt. I asked questions about Egypt and listened politely to every painstaking detail about everyone's trips, but didn't have a whole lot to contribute to the conversation.

So now I'm on my way to Egypt! I'm thrilled in every way possible. I loved my "other trip" but feel so blessed now to enjoy the fullness of experiences that life has to offer. I will always attend every baby shower with the thoughts and feelings and sensitivities that I used to harbor, especially as I consider many dear friends who may never enjoy the same experiences. Life sure is interesting with all of it's twists and turns.

Thanks again everyone for your well wishes and loving support!

8 months

My mom wanted to see a few pictures of my pregnancy, so here are a few belly shots for her and all the rest of the world to enjoy.

Things have been going fine. My doctor has me labeled as a "high risk" pregnancy, but that's only because of my infertility history. Apparently once my body gets pregnant, it knows just what to do. It's been nice though having a little extra face to face time with my doc as well as a few extra sonograms. I do enjoy seeing that little guy develop and grow. It's pretty crazy stuff!

As you can tell from the pictures, my belly hasn't really popped out there yet like I thought it would. No bowling ball tummy- just a big barrel or rather large humpty dumpty shape. There are some days when I really wish my tummy would just pop out and give me a little more room to, oh say...eat, breathe, and even bend a little (although, my posture is great because there is no room to slouch). My rib cage has expanded to about twice the size, I swear and some days I wonder if I'm going to break a rib (Bella Cullen can't be the only one, right...and if you don't know what I'm talking about, you seriously live in a cave). My ribs literally ache all the time.

But you know what? I'm still loving every minute of it. I LOVE feeling this little dude moving, nudging, bumping, and kicking- and watching it is even more interesting. I'm am simply fascinated by this process and even more fascinated that I get to experience it firsthand. I had come to terms with my infertility and I was actually at a point in my life where I felt I was okay even if I'd never get to experience the full measure of my creation. I was satisfied with becoming a mother through a different means. There would always be the longing and curiosity for what it would be like, but I was so thrilled when I became a mother that it really didn't matter to me how it happened. But how grateful I am for this unexpected experience. It isn't all wonderful and perfect and happy all the time...in fact it's down right uncomfortable most of the time, but at least I get to know that for myself. I get to live it, enjoy it, suffer it, and celebrate it.


Some days I feel like Sarah, Abraham's wife, after she finally conceived and bore Isaac she said, "God hath made me to laugh, so that all that hear will laugh with me." (Genesis 21:6)


Funny thing is that's exactly how I felt when I found out that Tyler was going to join our family, so in the end it really is no different. I am so grateful to have experienced this kind of joy in two very different ways.


(okay, so I'm one week shy of being eight months along, but 8 months sounds like a better title for a post than 7 and 3/4 months).

A few thoughts

As I promised before, I'd like to dedicate a portion of this blog to adoption and adoption awareness, so I thought I'd share a few thoughts with you. Over the years, we've received many questions and comments that could be taken as offensive or insensitive. I'm not very easily offended and I typically see the comments as the person meant them- simply innocent questions or concerns. It is my belief that if someone wanted to hurt my feelings, they would just come right out and do it rather than pose simple, innocent questions. However, having had lots of conversations with fellow adoptive couples, I am well aware of some things that would be appropriate to say or avoid saying in order to be more sensitive to adoptive couples as well as couples who are struggling with infertility.

So here are a few thoughts and suggestions:

1. When a couple informs you of their interest in adoption or their decision to adopt, never respond with, "That's great. I'm sure once you adopt or get your paperwork done, you'll get pregnant right away." Yes this does happen frequently for reasons unknown (and PLEASE NEVER, NEVER, NEVER use me as an example of this happening), it really actually isn't the norm. More importantly, it completely negates the sacredness of the decision this family is considering. Each time I was told this, I felt that the person didn't value my decision to adopt. I felt they saw adoption as a means to becoming pregnant. I saw it as a beautiful gift. Furthermore, you just may never know of the medical complications involved in a couple's infertility issues. It may just be that this couple will really never be able to conceive. And quite possibly they have mourned that loss and are ready to move on. Yes, I do believe miracles happen (obviously), however, it's not fair to think that just because it's happened to some couples, it will happen to all. Most importantly, when a couple tells you of their decision to adopt, be thrilled for them, express interest in the process, and offer to help in any way you can.

2. I am very frequently told that Tyler looks a lot like John and I and that "you can't even tell he's adopted." My typical reaction is, "Yep, he fits!" Because he sure does...he's our son. But what I'm really thinking is, "C'mon, he doesn't look that much like us and so what if he didn't?" I mean really, would he be less "OURS" if he didn't resemble us? There are thousands of families out there like this cute family or like this one who have chosen to adopt trans racially. Their cute kids look nothing like them, so does it really matter? I don't think so. So while you may think it's really wonderful when an adopted child looks like his/her adoptive parents, I tend to think that it really doesn't matter.

3. I often get questions about Tyler's birth mother- I think that curiosity is very natural and I've never been asked anything disrespectful about her (thank goodness because you'd probably see the "mama bear" side of me in a very ugly way). But I am always surprised at how nervous people still are about open adoptions. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about this that I'll probably save for another post. My advice to you when you find out a couple is adopting and they have an open relationship with the birth parents is to go ahead and ask questions and express interest, but do not express your concern. Adoptive families are well aware of the risks (both emotional and legal) involved in any adoption situation, regardless of whether the adoption is open or closed. Each couple is different and will deal with those risks in their own way. The most important thing is to follow their lead and be excited and supportive. No need to put all of your worries and concerns on their shoulders.

4. Of course now that I'll have an adoptive son and a biological son, I'm sure there will be other interesting experiences to come, but guess what? I'm not worried about it. They will both be "mine." I do cringe a little when people say, "Now you'll have a child of your own." Ummm, here's an update, Tyler is "my own." Now like I say, I know people don't mean any harm by that and they usually just mean that I'll have a biological child and will get to experience pregnancy, but really I don't see it as any different than having an adoptive child. For a mother that has one child through natural child birth and another through c-section, she doesn't love the one more than the other. Just because my boys will have come to our family by different means, doesn't mean I'll love them or treat them any differently.

5. I think I've mentioned this before, but I'd also like to share with you a reference chart for appropriate adoption language. Go here to view it. I didn't know all of this lingo before we adopted, so I know was guilty of using many of the negative terms. I'd mostly like to stress the difference between "is adopted" and "was adopted." Adoption is an event, not a characteristic. Tyler is our child and he was adopted over three years ago- he's not our "adopted son." I'd also like to point out the difference between "gave up a child for adoption" and "placed a child for adoption." I think that it is safe to say that most birth parents choose adoption and choose to place their baby in a loving family. They don't just simply "give a baby up."

Well, there ya go. Just a few thoughts that have been on my mind in the past. Just thought I'd pass it along to you!

Families are Forever

I realize it's been a while since my last post, but we've been busy. We just got back last night from our week long trip to Colorado- I'll post more about that later, of course. But for today, I wanted to take a moment to recognize a special day for our family. It was three years ago today that we were able to take Tyler to the temple to be sealed as an eternal family.

I remember the feelings of excitement and gratitude as we set off for the Mt Timpanogos Temple that beautiful summer morning. I have such tender feelings about that day. We were so blessed to be surrounded by family and friends who had so lovingly supported us.

Tyler was adorable all dressed in his white outfit with his chubby little legs and darling white shoes that his birth mother had given him. I can remember being overcome with emotion when the sweet temple workers brought him into the sealing room to join us for the ceremony. He was peaceful and calm, but all smiles as he usually was.

It has occurred to me many times over the past three years how sacred that day was. Without the blessings of the restored priesthood keys, we all would be individuals living as families on earth, but not have that same blessing or right for eternity.

It has also occurred to me over the past three years how blessed we are to have our sweet Tyler in our family...forever. Words can't express the kind of gratitude I have for his wonderful birth mother who made this all possible.

Adoption is sacred and beautiful. That's why I had such a hard time making the phone call to our caseworker when we found out we were expecting. I was too scared about the possible risks to be excited about the pregnancy, and yet I was no longer able to be considered for adoption. I went through a bit of a mourning process about the loss of another adoption opportunity. I was disappointed that we wouldn't have the thrill of being selected by another birth mother, I was sad to think that we wouldn't go to the temple again with our little ones, and I was uncertain about the road that was ahead of us- regardless of the fact that at one point in my life I wanted to travel this road so badly. It was a difficult time for me.

I've since come to feel okay about not adopting this time around and I'm starting to enjoy and savor the experience that I've been so blessed to have at this time in my life. I will always know that both of our boys joined our family in very miraculous and wonderful ways.

I love adoption-it's something I'm passionate about, and for that reason, I'll continue to be an adoption advocate. So in the future, you'll be seeing much more about adoption on my blog. I'd like to continue to spread a positive message about this topic- to shed some light on some aspects of it, and to help educate others about this miraculous way in which families and individuals are changed and blessed.

FAQ's

(Tyler showing Daddy where the baby is)

I suppose it's time to answer a few questions about the little surprise I dropped in my last post. Thanks to all of you for your excitement and well wishes.



*Our due date is November 13th (that means as of now, I'm about 19 weeks), but I'm convinced this kiddo is coming two weeks early on Halloween simply because we found out we were pregnant on April Fool's Day and found out the gender on Friday the 13th, so I figure this kid has a bit of a sense of humor.



*No this was absolutely NOT a planned pregnancy. C'mon, after 5 failed IUI attempts we had kinda given up on this possibility. I've been on birth control for the past three years to help control my PCOS and endometriosis, but simply forgot to refill my prescription. GO FIGURE!



*To say the least, we were a little surprised to find out we were expecting. I didn't even suspect it for a couple of months. I mean seriously, I thought I was more likely to get malaria than get pregnant.



*I've really been feeling okay. Since I was clueless for most of the first trimester, I didn't notice much difference. Now the fatigue, heartburn, headaches, and backaches have set in, but by golly, you won't hear me complaining about it. If I recall, at one point in my life I did bargain, beg and plead with the Lord to grant me this experience.



*Our adoption profile has been pulled (LDSFS policy). There was a lot of emotional distress when this occurred, but I'll explain that another time. We are on temporary hold until the baby is born- at which point our profile will be permanently pulled. We can reapply in one year. Don't ask what we plan to do at that point- we're taking this one baby at a time.



*I'm terribly sorry about keeping this under the rug for so long. Over the years we've learned to stay quite guarded with our emotions and part of that is keeping things to ourselves. Infertility attempts fail, miscarriages happen, and adoptions fall through and having experienced all of those, we've learned to protect our hearts. In fact, for the first several weeks, we didn't tell family, and we didn't even talk about it to each other. We pretty much ignored it- that kept us feeling "safe." I know, you'd think I would have been thrilled, but at first I wanted to ignore it, then I was terrified, then fear turned to confusion. It took a while for us to arrive at the "we're excited about this" stage. And I didn't want to tell people until we felt excited.



*And yes, you are all right, Tyler will make a FABULOUS big brother. We told him on Friday after the ultrasound. It was such a sweet moment for our family. His reaction will forever stay in my mind. His face lit up and he said, "I'm going to be a good big brother." I agreed, of course. Then we showed him the pictures that the doctor took of the baby growing in mommy's tummy. He looked at me, wrinkled his nose and accusingly said, "Mommy, did you eat a baby?" I suppose the details are still a little fuzzy! Just today, he very tenderly patted my tummy and said, "There's a baby in your tummy, Mommy." Then he continued playing with his toys and came back a few minutes later and pried my mouth open with his little hands and literally tried to stick his head in my mouth- TWICE. When I pulled away and asked what he was doing, he replied, "I want to see the baby! I'm going to go get him." I couldn't even respond I was laughing so hard.



Well, there you have it. Thanks again, everyone for sharing in our joy! And all I can say is, isn't life interesting?

Fabulous Fun

Thursday night we went spent the night at the Great Wolf Lodge (or Great Woth Wodge Hotel as Tyler likes to call it).

We spent hours swimming, sliding and getting soaked.

We enjoyed lots of treats

We jumped on beds, stayed up WAY too late, and watched cartoons while eating Fruit Loops.

Then Friday afternoon, we went to the Dr. and found out we're having a

BOY

Oh, did I mention I'm pregnant?

Surprise!

Our Story

My thoughts have frequently turned to adoption lately. I'm not sure if it's because I'm baby hungry, anxious about how long our next adoption will take, or just so in love with my sweet Tyler lately that I would love a second dose...I just don't know. I've also recently been intrigued by posts, articles and links found at the r house blog. Mrs. R does a phenomenal job of spreading a positive message about adoption. I suppose that's what has inspired me to type up a few of my thoughts and experiences from our own adoption journey. (I broke this story up into 9 different posts...long I know. But hey, I didn't write it for you. I really wrote it for me. so if you want the whole story be sure to visit "older posts").

As with all other adoption stories, ours starts out with a happy couple ready and excited to start a family. John and I quickly became pregnant when we first started trying (about two years after we were married). Unfortunately, at about three months along, I miscarried. I rarely, if ever, talk about being pregnant. It was so long ago and for such a short time and it was so sadly taken away from me that I try not to think about it. As emotionally painful as the miscarriage was, it wasn't the hard part. The hard part was the nagging feeling John and I both had that getting pregnant again was going to be much more difficult (little did we know it would be next to impossible). Looking back, I realize that it was the spirit preparing us for our most difficult trial. I suppose it made loosing that pregnancy all the more difficult. I remember talking to my doctor after my surgery for the miscarriage. He said to me, "Well, at least we know you can get pregnant." It was at that moment that I knew. I wanted to grab his white coat by the collar and say to him, "You are so wrong!"


Several months later, it became apparent that our nagging feeling was no longer a nagging feeling. We saw an infertility specialist who diagnosed me with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) as well as moderate endometriosis. It was such a relief to know there really was something wrong with me and that it wasn't all just in my head. It was also reassuring knowing what the cause of our infertility was. Our doctor gave us hope and a course of action. We began with two failed artificial insemination attempts and then it was recommended I undergo surgery. I still had great hope for the outcome of all of our efforts. I thought to myself, "I'll get pregnant after this surgery and our trial will be over." It soon became apparent that that wasn't the plan. We proceeded with three more inseminations, each giving us greater insight and knowledge about my condition in order to further our chances with the next attempt. I soon became the patient that I'd seen in the office during my early visits- the patient who knew all the nurses by name, had been in for visits on holidays and weekends and who even brought bagels to the staff during Saturday morning visits. I was the patient whose husband could give injections better then some nurses, and I was the patient who was now learning that the road she was traveling was the wrong road.

A Bumpy Road

During this time, my main goal was not to become bitter. I didn't want this trail to ruin my relationship with my husband or with God. I think because of that, those relationships grew stronger. John was so tender and supportive. He was in it every step of the way. He went with me to appointments, took care of me after procedures, learned how to put ice packs on my sore hips from all the injections, and he even put up with my emotional meltdowns.

We decided that we needed to have a common goal...something to work toward besides getting pregnant. That's when our love for biking began. We each got a road bike and began training and participating in competitive events. The hours of talking, crying, laughing, and riding hard was better than therapy, plus we got to go on some pretty darn cool rides and events. I will never regret our "together years" simply because I cherish that time we had with just the two of us.

It's hard to explain what it was like riding that emotional roller coaster. Each time we started a new cycle, the expectations grew higher and higher, and the emotional fall each time things failed took us lower and lower. Our hearts ached to become parents. I was a little angry that my body couldn't do what God created it to do, and ultimately, that meant I couldn't become who I was supposed to become (or so I felt). All along, though, I never questioned God's love for me. I knew that ultimately He did have a plan for our family. I just wish I knew what it was, but I suppose that's what faith is all about. This conference talk really helped me during some hard times

The Journey Continues

After a total of 5 artificial insemination attempts, we knew it was time to pursue another course. For some reason, I still hadn't emotionally given up on the infertility route. I hadn't had a chance to mourn that loss or even to let it go, but I knew it was time to open every door of opportunity. I figured if I did EVERYTHING in my power to be a mother, the Lord would choose the right way for it to happen.

At this point, I was emotionally numb. I had learned to protect myself by never getting my hopes up. I questioned every perceived answer to prayer simply because I had done everything I'd felt we were prompted to do and nothing was working. I didn't feel I had enough faith to make anything happen....but John did. He encouraged me to at least start the adoption process and if it didn't feel right or if I became pregnant, we'd know it wasn't the right path for us. I took his lead and held on to his faith.

We met with our caseworker and began the grueling paperwork process. This was the spring of 2004. John was just finishing his Master's degree at BYU, and we were pretty sure we'd be moving sometime in the near future, but we thought we should get started anyway. By July we were done and approved with a profile that was sent out to our agency as well as the surrounding agencies in Utah. John was finished with his degree at this point, but no job offers had come. We could not figure out why we were still in Utah. John taught at BYU and I told my principal I would be returning to teach that fall given that my husband hadn't found a job yet.

By the end of August John finally had a job offer. It was in Albany, New York. We were excited to be starting a new journey. Well, it turned out that our departure from Utah was once again delayed. John's job required an extensive background check that we were told can sometimes take up to 8 months. I think the Lord was just buying more time. He had it all planned out almost to the very day.

A few months later (mid October), John's clearance came- much sooner than we anticipated. We were set to move to New York in November. I was excited and distraught all at the same time. Excited for the new start we'd have, but distraught about what my life would be like. I would quit my job, move to a strange place, leave my family and friends, and I didn't have a baby. I looked in to teaching in NY- it didn't look good. I would have to wait until the next school year to start. I panicked. Our adoption papers had only been in a short time, and we'd have to transfer them to a new state, so I headed back to my doctor and had some tests done and talked about getting on a fast track start for IVF as a last ditch effort.

The next Sunday, I headed to my bishop for counsel. I sat in his office sobbing. I felt lost. I didn't even know who I was anymore. I'd be leaving everything that defined me. I wasn't a mom yet, but at least I had a career. That was what defined me. Now that we were moving to NY, I didn't even have that. I wanted him to tell me who I was supposed to be (sounds weird, but I went through a MAJOR identity crisis). All he said to me is, "don't worry. I know it'll happen soon." How right he was.

Good News

The very next day, October 18, 2004, I received a call from my doctor's office. It was bad news. They were letting me know that I was not a good candidate for this particular kind of IVF. I figured it was just as well. At least I could move on. I wasn't too disappointed, simply because I knew that meant that the Lord must have another plan- little did I know that plan was well in place.

About an hour later, I was in my bedroom and heard a knock at the door. John answered it and quickly came to get me. He looked terrified and said, "um...I think it's for you...you need to come quick." I thought we were being robbed. I headed to the door and saw a woman holding a camera in front of her face. I couldn’t tell just who it was, so I smiled and kind of looked at her, but she wouldn't move the camera. After standing there with a confused look on my face, I looked down and at my feet were two blue booties and a letter. I then recognized the woman with the camera as Shanna Bake, our case worker. I fell apart. Oh the tears! I could barely speak and could hardly pick up the booties I was shaking so badly. John was smiling a huge goofy grin with tears running down his cheeks. (Side note: I should explain that when John first opened the door, he saw the booties and wondered if it was some cruel joke or if it was like some relief society thing. He just couldn't commit to the thought that it might be what he thought it was. That's why he was so shaken up).

It took me forever to remember to invite our caseworker in. my head was just spinning. We finally came in and sat down and she proceeded to tell us about this sweet birth mother, J, who had selected us to be the parents of her precious baby. Shanna also happened to be J's caseworker (which is unusual for Utah), so she knew all about her. We read the letter from J and continued to cry some more. She was due December 23rd. We told Shanna that our move to New York was coming up in a few weeks, but we said, "We'll stay if we need to-whatever we have to do!" She told us to move there, get ready for a baby, and come back when he was born. We chatted, asked LOTS of questions, and learned a little more about J. My love for this sweet woman was instantaneous, even though I had never met her...and my love for her has grown even more since that day.

After Shanna left, we made a few phone calls, one of course was to our bishop who had no idea how right his words the day before had been. We then headed out to buy some flowers to drop off the next day at the agency for J to pick up (that's how correspondence worked at the time). It was late and most stores were closed, except for Costco. We could hardly concentrate at a simple task such as selecting flowers. We couldn't stop smiling and had this inner urge to shout to everyone in the store, "We're going to be parents!!!" Needless to say, we didn't sleep a wink that night. We giggled lots and shared thoughts like, "what do you think he'll look like?" "How do you think J is doing?" "What do you think she's like?" "Will she like us when she meets us?" "What are we going to name this little guy?!?" It went on like that ALL night.

Getting Ready

The next few weeks were a whirlwind. We had so much fun watching the smiles and tears of our family and friends as they celebrated with us when we told them our happy news. We busied ourselves with getting ready for a move and a baby, and I did my best to prepare my students and classroom for a changing of the guard (sometime I'll have to share the heartbreaking story of telling my students I was leaving). There was even enough time to squeeze in a surprise baby shower or two!

During this busy time, we also had our face to face meeting with J. That is another day I'll never forget. I left work early to meet John at the agency. I was so nervous that I started to cry in the waiting room. When we walked into Shanna's office, there in her chair was the cutest pregnant gal I've ever seen. We hugged, and then began the process of getting to know each other better. I was stunned by J's beauty- both inside and out. There was something about her that just shined. She had the most beautiful blue eyes and I remember telling her that I hoped he'd have her eyes...he does.

We talked and talked. Our caseworker would jump in every now and then to help us remember questions we had for each other, but it really was easy talking to her. We had hoped to meet once more before moving, but there was no time. We wrote letters back and forth, and boy I can tell you I have never prayed for anyone harder than I prayed for J at that time. She was always on my mind. I wondered if she was okay, and if she was really strong enough to do what the Lord was asking of her at this time.

The best news and the best day

We moved to New York at the end of November (John actually moved out two weeks prior. I stayed so that I could be with my students through Thanksgiving). We thought we had close to a month to get ready for this baby. Two weeks after moving, on December 14, I came home from running errands to hear a message on my voice mail from our caseworker. J had gone into labor that morning. Our baby was coming! I sat with tears rolling down my face in the quiet of the evening as my thoughts quickly turned to J. I prayed.

Then the frantic events unfolded. I called John, he raced home and worked on arranging flights while I frantically threw clothes, gifts, and baby items in to suit cases. We slept maybe two hours. When I awoke I realized that I was way more rested then I should have been given the time we were supposed to wake up. I looked at the clock...the alarm had failed to go off! We threw luggage into the car and sped off to the airport. We still had just enough time, that is until we got pulled over. You can imagine my panic at this point. Maybe the officer could sense that I was about to loose it, and I was. I was ready to go into the whole story of how we HAD to make our flight so that we could go get our baby. He gave us a warning and sent us on our way. We arrived in Utah and spent the day with my family, and tried to emotionally prepare for the next day's events when we would meet our baby boy.

The next day we got up early, cause who's sleeping anyway? We took some time to write letters and prepare a few gifts we had for J. It was emotionally intense. I cried and prayed all morning. I knew what J was preparing for, and my heart ached for her...literally ached. We stopped by Babies R Us on our way to the hospital and then headed over. We met our caseworker, finished up some paperwork, and then she escorted us to J's room. There she was and there he was. We met her parents...wonderful, they were wonderful, and I was SO glad they were there to help their sweet daughter. We talked and cried and giggled at every little mouse squeak Tyler made. He was beautiful. It was soon time to go. We said our tearful good-byes and parted ways. That day was sacred.


We brought home our tiny little bundle and showed him off to my family and then hid away for a bit to bond with our new, precious one. We held him, hugged him, kissed him, and watched his every waking (and sleeping) moment. We both got up for every feeding the first several nights. He was just such a miracle and we couldn't take our eyes off of him! I thought a lot about J during those days. We set up an email and corresponded through letters and pictures so that she would know how things are going (and we still do). I prayed so intensely for her (and still do). I cried for her, but took the advice of our case worker and tried not to let my sadness for her get in the way of bonding with our child. It was a difficult balance.

Sweet Memories

That Christmas was the best I've ever had, and nothing will ever top it. I loved the quiet, soft moments holding my sweet baby boy. We spent almost two and a half weeks in Utah waiting for our Interstate Compact paperwork to be completed. New York wanted to make it next to impossible to bring our baby back home, but with a little help from some smart attorneys, things got straightened out and we were cleared for take off. I dreaded flying with a 2 1/2 week old, but Ty did great...much better than his nervous mommy. I glared at anyone who so much as coughed in our general vicinity. We made it home to New York with our family of three. It was fun returning to church. The members of our ward were SO confused. I had only been there twice before Ty was born. I had several people look at me funny and then ask, "I didn't think you were pregnant?" We had a bit of explaining to do.

Official and Eternal

Fast forward 6 months and it was time to return to Utah for our court finalization as well as for our temple sealing. Both experiences were wonderful. The judge assigned to us was so great. He explained that all of the other hours of his day are spent with broken families and broken lives (he charges DUI's, thefts, abuse cases, etc), but this one session each week, he gets to legalize families. He acknowledged that he was only making lawful what we already knew in our hearts- that Tyler was ours.

The next day, July 8, we went to the temple to make Tyler ours forever. It was beautiful and sacred. I thought about J that day (as I do most days), and I couldn't help but think of how brave she was. She played such a sacred role in all of this. She very literally helped the Lord create an eternal family. Think of it. She had the spiritual maturity to make such a powerful decision and then she had the strength of character to follow through. She is my hero. I think after that day, I really began to understand what it means to be sealed eternally as a family. What a blessing- I will cherish the memory of that day all my life!

Where are things today?

(View our profile by clicking here or by visiting www.itsaboutlove.org)

So where are we now today? We recently completed the long process of filling out the paperwork and completing an online profile through LDS Family Services for a second adoption. So now we wait. Many of you ask how long it will take. I REALLY wish I had an answer to that. We are told that the average wait is 1-2 years, but that's where we hope YOU can help us. We either wait until a birth mother selects us from the overwhelmingly large list of couples hoping to adopt or we can find eachother through a common friend or family member. So we ask you to please mention us to your friends and neighbors, to your extended families, to physicians and other medical personnel who might have contact with birth parents who are considering various options for an unplanned pregnancy. Thanks for your love, prayers, and support. It is our testimony that the Lord has a plan for each of his precious little ones. We are mindful of that as we move forward with faith.