My thoughts on open adoption...continued

(this is the rest of a story that was started in the previous post)

And so it was. I sent out an email to Tyler's birth mother asking her if she'd like to meet us for lunch. It was short notice since we would only be in Utah for another week and I felt so bad about kind of springing it on her like that. Keep in mind that this would be the first time she's seen Tyler since she so tenderly placed him in our arms over six years ago. For us adults, these types of things take time to process! I realized that this was a lot to ask. I also felt bad that because I had been slow to act on those promptings, John wouldn't be able to join us. He had to return to Texas for work. He was quite disappointed about that, but we both felt like we should move ahead with our plans, for Tyler's sake.


I received a quick response from Ty's birth mom (we'll call her J). She was willing and excited to meet with us, even though it was short notice! Later she would tell me basically that she trusted John and I and knew that if we felt like it was a good thing for Tyler, then she wanted it for him too. Amazing. I think it is safe to say that we all want what is best for Ty- his needs and wants in this whole adoption are our top priority.


We arranged to meet at a park near her work during her lunch break. When I told Tyler the news, he was very excited and then told his grandma and grandpa that he was going to meet his birth mom the next day, and then he added "because I've never met her and I don't know what she looks like." He was so sweet, excited and matter of fact.


I won't go into all the details of our meeting because some things are just special and private. But it was awesome. I think we were all nervous at first, but probably Tyler least of all. He wasn't the least bit focused on internalizing the whole situation (just how I wanted it). The boys sat and ate their lunches on a park bench, which was perfect because it kept them sitting and engaged. She asked him questions, he told her stories and details from his little six year old life, we took a few pictures, and then the boys went and played on the playground while J and I sat on a bench and chatted for a few more minutes. It was fun to ask her questions like "so who do you think he looks like?" and "where does he get that thick hair?!" -details that will be fun to share with him someday when he's older and actually understands genetics (although the pictures will speak for themselves. He looks just like her!).


And with that, we said our good-byes, gave a few last hugs, and that was it. It was short, simple, and perfect. As we drove away Tyler said to me, "So THAT'S what she looks like!" I think that one statement sums up exactly what I had hoped to accomplish that day- to clarify and remove any questions that he had in his little mind...and that seemed to be the only one!


As for me, this brief meeting allowed me one more opportunity to thank the woman with whom our hearts are eternally linked. I can't tell you how happy it made me to see her again, and to see her happy and doing so well. She is my hero. I am humbled each time I ponder the sacred role she played in bringing Tyler to us.


As I hugged J one last time, I whispered thank you in her ear. But it wasn't just thank you for being so gracious and meeting with us today. It wasn't even thank you for taking time away from your work and your busy schedule. It also wasn't simply thank you for staying in touch, even if at times it might have been difficult and painful. My thank you to her was so much more than all of that. It was thank you for bringing the most precious gift into our lives over six years ago. Thank you for making our family whole and complete. Thank you for granting me the greatest desire of my heart- to become a mother. Thank you for showing me the true meaning of sacrifice and selflessness. Thank you for showing me what true love looks like. Thank you for being strong and courageous in the face of heartache and agony. Thank you for the joy you have brought to our lives. Thank you.

My thoughts on open adoption

I've debated whether or not I wanted to share the experiences and thoughts from this post, but since I've always felt strongly about promoting adoption, I decided to go ahead. I also wanted to clarify what open adoption is and possibly shed some light on why I think it is such a healthy, positive thing.

As many of you know, Tyler's adoption is an open adoption. That can mean a lot of things these days. In our case, it's definition and boundaries have evolved over time. We went into our adoption experience knowing that we agreed to and that we desired an open adoption. At that time, it meant that we would have contact with the birth mom before, during, and after placement, but all communication would go through our case worker and our adoption agency (LDS Family Services) and that the frequency and type of communication would be decided between us and the birth mother. We met Tyler's birth mom shortly after she selected us and a few short months before he was born. That meeting was sacred and wonderful. Words can not describe it. After that, we corresponded through emails and letters that were sent directly to the agency and then forwarded on to us or her. At the time, we were discouraged to share last names, addresses, etc. We met again on the day of placement at the hospital where Tyler was born. During our trip to Utah, we drove Tyler passed that hospital and re-told him the story about how that was were he spent a few special days with his birth mom- where she loved, cuddled, and held him close before sending him to his family.

After that, our communication continued to go through the LDSFS for a time. And that was fine. I think it helped us define boundaries and begin to feel comfortable in our new roles and relationship. But after a few months, it didn't really fit our needs. The nature of our relationship just naturally progressed into a looser, more relaxed thing. We exchanged email addresses, home addresses, last names, etc (and of course, she reads this blog). It was just easier to keep in touch that way and it just felt right.

We send letters, cards, gifts, pictures and she does the same for Tyler. People ask me all the time what Tyler thinks of that. Well...he's always known he was adopted, so receiving and sending letters and such has never really been out of the ordinary for him. One year as it was approaching Tyler's birthday, he said to me, "Do you think my birth mom will send me a card? She always remembers me on birthdays and holidays!" How great is that?! He knows she remembers him and loves him. To us, it just felt right.

I have always loved that Tyler knows all the pieces to his story. He knows he was adopted, he knows what his birth mother looks like (from pictures), and he knows a little about her from our correspondence. Even though he has all the details, I knew that eventually he would want to meet her...and I wanted that for him too.

I guess I assumed that his desire to meet her would be expressed as he was much older, but as we were planning our recent trip to Utah, he mentioned her name as he was listing off all the family and friends he wanted to visit while we were there. At first I just brushed it off and figured he was listing all the people that he knew who lived in Utah. He brought it up once more, but again in a very casual "by the way" kind of thing. I casually asked him questions about his thoughts, but that was about it. John and I talked about it and then dismissed the idea. Since Tyler didn't bring it up again, I really didn't push the topic.

Several weeks later, and while we were in Utah, I couldn't shake the feeling that it was something we should purse- that it would be a good thing. And when I get a feeling that I just can't shake like that, I tend to perk up and follow those promptings. John and I discussed it and prayed about it, and decided it was the right thing at the right time.

And because I have since been asked countless times WHY we chose to do so, here was our reasoning (but let me assure you, reasoning only accounts for half of why we did it. Those gentle nudgings from a divine source far outweighed any reasoning). I knew that most adopted children at some point or another choose to meet their birth parents. I also knew that the typical age is between 18-24. I suppose in my mind, I didn't want Tyler to be at an age of self discovery, you know, the "who am I?" stage and have to factor in the adoption aspect. I want him to get to that age and already have part of himself figured out. I feel like adolescence is a time in which young adults are trying to put together the puzzle pieces of who they are- trying to fit all the pieces together. I just wanted Tyler to have all the pieces BEFORE he reached that age. It only seems fair. Plus, as he reaches the age of trying to define himself, he doesn't have to wonder "who am I? who is my birth mom? what does she look like? Who do I look like? should I meet her?" Or when someone asks him "do you ever want to meet your birth mom?" He can respond confidently, "I already have and if I'd like to again, I'm sure I could."

All those thoughts, coupled with my confidence in Tyler's understanding of adoption and his positive feelings about it, we decided it would be a good thing to do. I also knew that while Tyler is still young, he won't over-think, over-analyze, or over-process the whole experience. It would be a simple, innocent meeting.

First day of first grade

Last week Tyler started first grade. My goodness, does he every look grown up in this picture! My heart was still so sad to send him off that first day (and every day since), but at least this year I was less anxious for him and less fearful of the unknown. But most of all, I feel that this year he is much more ready to be in school a full day. I really hated full day kindergarten, and felt like kids that age weren't really ready to be away from home for that many hours.

That first day was full of first day jitters and excitement. After school, Tyler told me that after I left him in his classroom (only a few seconds after this picture was taken), he said he really wanted to cry. I told him that I did too. And hearing him tell me this made me want to cry even more.

But, we all made it through that first day, and that is cause for celebration- a "first day hooray!" party.

Complete with a trip to the ice cream shop!

Utah trip- Part 6

My sister, Stephanie, was so good about planning fun activities for us while we were there. We nicknamed her the cruise ship director. I suppose with three active little boys of her own, she has a good idea of fun stuff we can do with our rambunctious group. She even borrowed a bike from a neighbor so that we could go running together- Robby in the jogging stroller and all the boys defying death on their bikes. Oh the trails and parks! It was so fun!

We visited Thanksgiving Point on two different days- once for the Dinosaur Museum (pictures are on the other computer, sorry) and once for the Children's Gardens.

And then on this particular day, Steph found the most perfect hike. It was easy enough that we didn't have to carry Robby in the backpack, but difficult enough to where the boys felt like they accomplished something difficult. They were even rewarded at the top of the hike with a beautiful waterfall.

(mayhem, I tell ya...every last one of those smiling faces masks a little bit of mischief).

Good thing Uncle Spencer came along to wrangle wayward kiddos.

...That is, until he decided to hike up the back side of the waterfall and these jokers decided to follow him (against the wishes of their mothers). Getting them back down was quite the ordeal.

...and I think Uncle Spencer needed a nap after that.

And now that we're back in Texas and it's over 100 degrees for the 58th straight day, I'll look at this picture and dream of happier (and cooler) days.

Utah trip- Part 5

While in Utah, we took advantage of visiting some of the many temples there. Tyler thought it was cool how close the Draper Temple is to my parent's house. He decided to count how long it takes to get there...162 seconds. Exactly.

We also headed downtown to visit the SLC Temple, visitors center, and church history museum.

At the church history museum, they have a number of interactive displays for children. I was impressed that this magnetic quilting board captivated the attention of five VERY active little boys.

They also built a boat like Nephi in the Book of Mormon...

...and fished for food.

They drove a delivery truck of sorts...

...and made a nutritious dinner of their own.

Robby loved the little kitchen. He takes his cooking very seriously...

...and as seriously as Robby takes his cooking, my nephew Brock, takes his Latin dancing. I could have watched him all day. I wish you could see in this video the serious concentration on his face.

Utah trip- Part 4

After a week with John's family, we headed over to my parent's house. We were very lucky to be in town the same week as my nephew Trey's baptism. What a cutie he is!

My parent's backyard has a lovely garden. Each day the boys would ask grandma if there were ripe tomatoes that they could pick. Fun for them, yummy for me!

They were also spoiled with lots of one on one time with their grandparents.

And of course, there were plenty more cousins to play with. With all those goofy boys, this picture was about as good as it was gonna get. Don't you just love my little niece looking up at all those crazy boys. Poor girl. My parents have a total of 12 grand kids (my brother has six kids- not pictured here because they live in Colorado). Of the 12 grand kids, 10 are boys and only 2 girls!

Utah Ttip- Part 3

One afternoon, we had planned to hike Timpanogos caves, but when we arrived we discovered that there was a two hour wait to even BEGIN the hike. We were quite disappointed as we knew that our boys would have loved the caves.

Instead, we grabbed some lunch, found some trails and a picnic table and had a great time anyway.

I suppose that's one of the good things about living close to the mountains...there's always something to do!

Tyler wanted to climb anything and everything that stood still- every tree branch, every rock, every tree stump. He loved it.

And Robby just loves throwing rocks, especially if there is a pond or river to throw them in, so he too was in heaven!

It was too bad the boys didn't get to experience the caves, but it was still a fantastic way to spend an afternoon.

Utah trip- Part 2

Next, headed over to Park City for the alpine slides.

Seriously, what more can I say about riding a ski lift up to the top of a mountain and then riding a fast sled back down to the bottom?

Tyler was all smiles the whole way down. Loved it!

The next day, we had a little bit of time to kill, so we headed back over to Park City to check out Olympic Park. We watched the ski jumpers practice their ski jumps into the pool.

Utah Trip- part 1

We're back!

We decided that we couldn't stand the heat and it was time to get the heck out of Texas! We spent two wonderful weeks in Utah visiting family, relaxing, playing, and spending LOTS of time outside.

Our first stop in Utah was at Nani and Papa's house (John's parents). We weren't out of the car for more than two minutes when Robby discovered Papa's fantastic riding mower. Boy was he in heaven!

The next day was Sunday and it would be the one day when the WHOLE family would be together. All five siblings and all 15 grand kids! That made for a LOT of fun! Talent show, games, activities, good food, and plenty of cousins to play with- what could be better?!? I seriously love getting together with everyone like this- it just feels like happy chaos!

John's parents live in a beautiful mountain community. I do believe it is Utah's little slice of heaven. We wanted to take full advantage of the beautiful scenery and weather, so we spent as much time as possible outdoors. And it isn't very hard when the backyard has a nice, cool mountain stream running through it!
We had to convince Tyler that this wasn't his own personal swimming hole. We really did feel like it was heaven. Every morning John and I would go for a run- it was AMAZINGLY beautiful. One morning John left while it was still below 60 degrees! Coming from Texas where we are having one of the worst summers on record and our temps often don't dip below 85 at night, this was pure bliss! I loved letting the boys run, play, hike, and explore to their little heart's content.
One evening, we headed down to Provo to visit BYU campus where john and I both attended school when we were first married. We took a minute to swing past our old condo where we lived for the first six years of our marriage. We were both flooded with nostalgia- so many wonderful memories! As we drove past our old patio and front door, the memory that stood out the most was the day we received a knock on our door, only to find a pair of blue booties and a letter from Tyler's birth mother informing us that she had selected us to be the parents of her baby boy. I can still picture our caseworker standing there with her camera ready to capture the whole thing. It was in that condo that we waited and prayed for years and years to become parents...and it was in that very condo that we received the sacred news that we were receiving the most precious gift.
I'll admit, I got a little emotional as we drove past that little home where our story began.

No trip to Provo would be complete for us if we didn't head up the Provo River Trail. Oh my goodness...talk about literally walking down memory lane! The trail ran right past our condo, so I spent many miles and many hours there. It's where I trained for my first half marathon. And it was my solace during difficult times. I think I either ran or rode my bike up the canyon on that trail at least twice a week for a number of years. Walking up that path with my little family by my side was a unique experience. I can remember riding my bike up that canyon with tears streaming down my face, wondering if I would every have a family of my own, and here I was several years later, walking that same trail with my sweet husband and two babies at my side. Life is sweet.

As we arrived in the parking lot of Vivian Park to walk up to Bridal Veil Falls, Robby was sure we were there to mountain climb and not hike.