The Journey Continues

After a total of 5 artificial insemination attempts, we knew it was time to pursue another course. For some reason, I still hadn't emotionally given up on the infertility route. I hadn't had a chance to mourn that loss or even to let it go, but I knew it was time to open every door of opportunity. I figured if I did EVERYTHING in my power to be a mother, the Lord would choose the right way for it to happen.

At this point, I was emotionally numb. I had learned to protect myself by never getting my hopes up. I questioned every perceived answer to prayer simply because I had done everything I'd felt we were prompted to do and nothing was working. I didn't feel I had enough faith to make anything happen....but John did. He encouraged me to at least start the adoption process and if it didn't feel right or if I became pregnant, we'd know it wasn't the right path for us. I took his lead and held on to his faith.

We met with our caseworker and began the grueling paperwork process. This was the spring of 2004. John was just finishing his Master's degree at BYU, and we were pretty sure we'd be moving sometime in the near future, but we thought we should get started anyway. By July we were done and approved with a profile that was sent out to our agency as well as the surrounding agencies in Utah. John was finished with his degree at this point, but no job offers had come. We could not figure out why we were still in Utah. John taught at BYU and I told my principal I would be returning to teach that fall given that my husband hadn't found a job yet.

By the end of August John finally had a job offer. It was in Albany, New York. We were excited to be starting a new journey. Well, it turned out that our departure from Utah was once again delayed. John's job required an extensive background check that we were told can sometimes take up to 8 months. I think the Lord was just buying more time. He had it all planned out almost to the very day.

A few months later (mid October), John's clearance came- much sooner than we anticipated. We were set to move to New York in November. I was excited and distraught all at the same time. Excited for the new start we'd have, but distraught about what my life would be like. I would quit my job, move to a strange place, leave my family and friends, and I didn't have a baby. I looked in to teaching in NY- it didn't look good. I would have to wait until the next school year to start. I panicked. Our adoption papers had only been in a short time, and we'd have to transfer them to a new state, so I headed back to my doctor and had some tests done and talked about getting on a fast track start for IVF as a last ditch effort.

The next Sunday, I headed to my bishop for counsel. I sat in his office sobbing. I felt lost. I didn't even know who I was anymore. I'd be leaving everything that defined me. I wasn't a mom yet, but at least I had a career. That was what defined me. Now that we were moving to NY, I didn't even have that. I wanted him to tell me who I was supposed to be (sounds weird, but I went through a MAJOR identity crisis). All he said to me is, "don't worry. I know it'll happen soon." How right he was.